the rucksack.

if i were to really, and i mean really count the number of misfortunes i’ve had in the past half a year, i wouldn’t know whether to cry or laugh. maybe both. should i do it? hm, okay, i will. let’s do it in style:

1. five parking tickets. okay, maybe these were my fault. but can you really blame a girl for not remembering what side of the street to park on what week for street sweeping? that’s harsh.
2. three citations. one automated camera violation claiming i ran a red light when the image shows i was on a yellow. one cell phone ticket. one civil assessment ticket. a grand total of nearly a thousand dollars.
3. two car robberies. stolen: car radio, a cellphone, an ipod touch, a whole bunch of cds, my yoga mat. MY YOGA MAT.
4. one house robbery. two macbooks, my mouse, and an ipod shuffle. over two thousand dollars worth of stuff.
5. one lost new cellphone. this just happened yesterday.

and so yesterday, as i was shuttling back and forth all the places i’d been frantically looking for my lost phone, i thought to myself, if this is just me cashing in a lot of bad luck for some good luck in the future, then i’ll take that. fine.

either that, or it’s the universe telling me i need to be stripped of all my worldly possessions. so if i mysteriously disappear one day, you’ll know that i’ll have put on a loin cloth and headed for the mountains.

I found out this morning that a friend of mine in high school had decided to end her life on Wednesday, the day after her birthday. she hung herself in her bedroom closet and left a brief and succinct note to her family and friends.

incidentally, before learning this, i had spent some time yesterday flipping through her online journal, reading through her entries, thinking to myself: she sounds so melancholy, what a thoughtful spirit! i wonder how she is doing; i should contact her.

instead, i feel, she had contacted me first.

in her passing she must have flown right through me and i thought of her. and now she is gone; another life, so young and so sad. there are so many things that can make one feel they have lost hope, but i think it is important to know that there is always hope — and you can’t find it by ending your life.

and as disturbing and distressing i find this incident, i only wholeheartedly wish that she has found infinite peace and happiness wherever she is now, and i extend my deepest condolences and sympathy for her closest friends and family.

rest in peace.

the reason why i’ve procrastinated in writing about my two month descent into mother india is because i’ve found it quite difficult actually, to articulate the experience i had while i was there. it is — too large, too much, too intense. i don’t know where to start, to be frank. and still, when people ask me, i smile sheepishly and start with, “well…i don’t really know what to say…”.

SO.

instead, i’ve compiled a list of “moments” that i feel will accurately depict that beauty and the horrors and other experiences i encountered in those months that i believe make india such a country of duality to me.

• strolling through the bustling glowing nightmarket in jaipur and passing by toddlers wobbling around 2 inches away from a boiling cauldron of oil

• taking a lazy boat ride and watching the sacred cremation ritual and tossing of dead corpses into the holy ganges river, while two huge sewages dump 89 million litres of sewage a day into it on the other side.

cremations at the harishchandra ghat

• visiting the pearly and striking taj mahal, as lines of handicapped men, destitute women, and orphan children follow the tourists begging for a rupee.

the taj mahal near sunset

• journeying into the jaisalmer desert of rajashtan and visiting the fascinating 10 member villages, and watching how they survive out of milking emaciated cows and collecting rare drops of rainwater into dirty water bottles.

a woman milks a cow for her family

• taking refuge and studying meditation in the peaceful town of dharamsala, where the exiled Dalai Lama resides. befriending the tibetan refugees, most of who have tragic stories of losing their homes and families to the chinese communist regime in tibet

• walking through the holy ghat of haridwar to watch the puja offerings at dusk, while half fearing my life, dodging the hoardes of half naked men that swarmed around me, taking pictures and catcalling and grabbing.
  

  pilgrims who travel from all over india to wash their sins away at the ganges river

• visiting bodhgaya, the place of siddartha gautama (the buddha)’s enlightenment, while being so sick from food poisoning that i was bedridden for two days.

by the tree where siddartha gautama sat and meditated, and became the world's first enlightened human being

in the 25 countries that i have been, i have never been in a country more raw and genuine in its character. what a place of striking beauty and utter poverty! i miss india, but my connection to this place is deep, and i will return one day.

two months is two months too short.